French Children Don't Throw Food

I am really looking forward to reading French Children Don't Throw Food by Pamela Druckerman. It has been billed in the Daily Mail as being another smug book about how the French do everything better than the Brits, especially the women. But in dissing it (and other books with similar comparisons) like this they are missing the point.

There are massive differences between the way children are brought up in France and in the UK. I am a little conflicted. I have watched more parents with their children in France, but reading British parenting websites. I'm not sure which style is better, or worse, or even how much of each I am adopting.

I don't know if my baby's fabulous sleeping patterns from a very young age are down to me doing it the French way or just because she is naturally a great sleeper. I suspect it is the second. I don't think the French are better parents - just different.

However as far as behaviour is concerned the French do something right. Children sit quietly at table without fidgeting far better than I do even during the interminable million course family celebration meals. They are less fussy about their food. At a wedding I went to last year there were small children - three or four years old - handling and enjoying oysters and sea snails. I used pregnancy as an excuse to stick to bread and butter but in fact even if I did like snails or oysters I wouldn't know how to go about eating them. And asking a four year old for help would have been a little embarassing.

And in restaurants my daughter is welcomed with a high chair and a little plate so she can snack from my dinner. I never get the impression that we are unwelcome for bringing a baby into a restaurant. Food is to be eaten together, as a fmaily, and yes, babies are included in that. When she has cried there have been no tuts or evil looks as I have blushingly taken her from the room, more smiles conveying pity? Understanding? Indulgence.

Older children behave as they know that bad behaviour will not be tolerated. They won't be beaten for crying, but they are aware of the limits and generally keep within boundaries. There are exceptions, of course.

I believe a point is made in the book where they say French mothers are just more relaxed about it all. And I would agree. No-one stresses about how to feed, and no-one is guilty about how they gave birth. No-one makes massive adjustments to their lives for children. Children are expected to fit in, and they generally do.

Much is made of the fact that women in France are offered free post-natal physiotherapy to reduce long term damage to their bits, for want of a better word. British commentors say this is because the French are obsessed with sex and that women are expected to jump back into bed two days after giving birth. I disagree. I believe that it is because French women accept many roles in life. They are mothers, lovers, daughters, colleagues and individuals with needs. They do not define themselves completely by any one of these roles. They do not stop being a wife because they become a mother. And even more importantly they do not lose a sense of self identity and self worth. Being back in good physical shape as soon as possible is as much and probably more for them as individuals than for their partners. They consider themselves as women, individuals with needs. And feeling good about one's body is part of self confidence. It's important. The same attitude applies to breastfeeding. Lots of women breastfeed in France, but it is not the be all and end all. If a woman feels better if she stops, no-one judges her for it. You certainly won't read forums where the main topic is how to keep going with the nursing when it's going badly. They will say fine, I did my best, je ne vais pas me prendre la tête. I'm not going to worry about it.

I am of course making massive generalisations, but instead of rejecting outright that French mothers do things in a different way, and sometimes possibly in a better way, I will be at the front of the queue to read about what this author perceives to be the differences. I may disagree, but it will be interesting. Because being open to other ways of doing things and learning from them can only be a good thing. Right?

PS. I'd like to say here again that I don't think things are necessarily better in France. Women aren't all thinner and they are certainly not all sex kittens ready to hop into bed at any time, always wearing gorgeous lingerie and then puffing on Gitanes at the end. That's just a stereotype. The fact that some people tend to believe in it indictaes quite a high level of gullibility or lack of self esteem. And why wouldn't women in the UK be suffering from a lack of self-esteem. They are bombarded with hatred and comparisons from the media every day. That's for another post (and quite a few of my previous posts), but life is very different for women in France. In good ways, and bad. And one of the good ways is that they are not permanently made to feel bad about the fact they are women. The differences between men and women are celebrated. The press over here is, in fact, surprisingly far less mysogynistic than in the UK. Sexism is everywhere, but not misogyny.